advice, please

enjoying the last few moments with just ramona (she's strapped to my back asleep to the world) and myself before max comes over. french press is nearly gone and i'm working my way through my google reader. 

i'll be watching max mondays thru fridays. he's a wonderful 5-month-old who certainly rivals ramona in the easy-going department. my days will be different though; it won't just be ramona bean and me. and i'm really going to have to find a rhythm for caring for and entertaining and soothing two infants. i'm definitely going to have to adjust to not having as much "emily" time.

this opportunity is a blessing bc it means that i don't have to go find a job outside of the home. it means jp and i don't have to finagle our schedules to make sure she's cared for. it means that i can continue to breastfeed and don't have to worry about pumping. it means that i get to continue to be with my daughter (who needs me now more than she ever probably will).

any suggestions or advice or words of encouragement for me as i learn to care for two small babes? what activities can i do to make the time go by? 

ramona loves max. look at those smiles!

working boobs

ramona is breastfed. ramona is breastfed at home, in the bed we share together, in restaurants, in cafes, in parks, in the car, on the sidewalk, in the tattoo parlor, in the target bathroom. i do not breastfeed ramona in public as a sort of political statement or to be progressive. i do so bc the girl needs to eat! and bc it's the best way to get her to soothe her if she's fussy, nourish her if she's hungry, calm her down if she's tired, comfort her if she's overstimulated or upset (like if the dog accidentally walks on her face or the bright lights at jp's barber wake her up unexpectedly).

jp and i always knew we (well, i) would be breastfeeding her. there wasn't ever any discussion of anything else. the fact that i get to stay at home with her certainly lends to the ease of this decision and i feel very fortunate for the set-up of our family and work schedule, which allow me the time and space to breastfeed her. i applaud the women that pump when they have to go back to work. i do understand the difficulties in the ups and downs of milk-production and latching issues that may affect a woman's ability to nurse her child as much and for as long as she would like. i do not take for granted the relatively painless time i have had nursing ramona.

i also understand and am thankful that a big part of our nursing "success" is that i had an amazing midwife, maren wood, who was committed to helping ramona and i get a hang of the whole nursing business. ramona latched seemingly effortlessly when she was born. maren was very encouraging but also warned me about how things can change when your milk comes in. sure enough: as soon as my milk came in (only 36 hours after her birth) my boobs became extremely engorged and gave ramona trouble in the latching department. maren came over every day for four days to give guidance, check on ramona, encourage us, and ensure i was doing well physically and emotionally (i was a wreck).

many women don't have this sort of resource for lactation help. the hospital has lactation consultants in-house but what happens when you leave to go home? or if you are at home but don't have a midwife as amazing as mine, you can hire a lactation consultant but i know that jp and i couldn't have afforded that. so, yes, we were very, very lucky. i also had women around me that i felt comfortable figuring out how the whole boob/milk thing worked: i was some form of naked or topless in front of my mother, my sister-in-law, my super doula (pamela black), my friend, aubrey, and, of course, maren and jp. without this trust i don't know if i could have as successfully and quickly felt comfortable with nursing.

and now, at nearly ten weeks, ramona has become a champion eater. latching on isn't as awkward or fumbling as it once was. she's got a radar and knows what she has to do. that has definitely made my job easier. but the questions have started (i love you, erica) about introducing solid foods or how long we plan on doing this and other such inquiries into the relationship between a nursing child and her mother's boobs. so this article was timely for me: breastfeeding in the land of ghengis khan. because, well, we aren't worried about when she's going to start eating solids or how long she may want to nurse. we are confident that it will all happen in due time.

this article was also extremely appropriate to me bc, while i have never been treated oddly bc of our public displays of nursing, it still isn't something the american public seems to readily swallow (awful unintended pun). and though i'm not setting out to change the world, it would be nice if breastfeeding was looked upon by more people and more openly as a very important and even beautiful thing between a mother and child. and to receive that support from people besides my husband and family and birth team would be wonderful and crazy and, hopefully, inspiring to other women who are considering breastfeeding or are saving breastfeeding as a thing to be done only at home.

there would be a lot of questions people would ask if ramona were still nursing at two but chances are good she may be and we certainly aren't going to discourage it just bc of what others may think or say. and i'm not going to move to mongolia .

oops.

sorry for the flood.
i imported my old blog into this one and i guess that may have outdatedly updated all your readers.
that must have been annoying.

fifty nifty

are you or someone you know getting married in 2012? still looking for a sweet wedding photographer(s)? look no further.

my two college friends (who happen to be married and also be the cutest couple in the world) have a wedding photography company that rocks. jonny and michelle are cute and quirky and savvy and totally concerned about social injustices. that's why they are setting out to operate their business in a way that benefits a cause they care a lot about, anti-human trafficking.

they are looking to book 50 weddings in each of the states of the U.S.A. and donate a portion of the proceeds to she dances. please check out their website for more information and pass the link on to anyone you think might be interested.

couch to 5k

so after my whining yesterday about the baby pounds i've decided to share with you my plan to get back in better shape. i've always been fairly athletic and moderately active. now it's nothing like the two-sport glory days of my high school youth (ha) but, nevertheless, i've been blessed with a body that can move.

i've been doing yoga for about two years now and did it throughout my pregnancy. i feel i deserve bragging rights in that i was able to do crow up until my eighth month. perhaps i could have done it longer but i stopped doing yoga around that time. i work for trade for corepower yoga. i clean their studio and they give me unlimited yoga (a $150/month value). seeing as how i am a stay-at-home mama married to a man who is in the midst of opening and running a restaurant (read: we don't make a ton of moola) this is a terrific set-up.

five weeks after ramona was born i started going back to yoga. i was so nervous about how i would feel because i didn't want to add insult to injury: not only was i a bit flabby but i was scared i had lost any strength i had during the pregnancy. surprise! i felt great. i could do all of the stuff i did up until the 8 month marker and more. in fact, i got to do crunches and twists and other no-nos for pregnant women. i had some pudge in my spandex, of course, and my thighs and jowls are still not as taut as i'd love for them to get back to being but, hell, i could keep up with most of them (yoga in denver, at times, is a competitive sport. you really can't let those skinny-minis get the best of you).

in addition to yoga, i really want to add running to my regimen. i was a runner in high school and college but didn't stick with it regularly after that. i miss it. knowing that i easily get frustrated at things i'm not good at (even more so when i used to be good at it) i needed to find a way to get back in the habit of running without giving up. my sister, beth, introduced me to couch to 5k, this wonderful, easy, accessible, and FREE program that leads you through 9 weeks of running so you can get the hang of running for 30 minutes straight without stopping.

now, i'm positive that, if i had to, i could go out right now and run for an hour without stopping. but i would hate it. my intention of using this program is to get back into running and not hate it. knowing that it's only 20 minutes with a nice warm-up and cool-down makes it easy for me to lace up my shoes and head out to the running path. the music is acceptable and the lady's voice who instructs you is encouraging. i've only done one week but i'll keep you posted on how the rest go.

wish me luck!

four years ago today

jp and i got drunk at a wedding in cincinnati and fell in love.


cheers, darling. i love you.

total granola

i'm certain what i'm about to write about won't sit well with many people. of course, if you've been reading the blog for any amount of time you can see jp and i aren't the most traditional of sorts. or maybe we're really traditional and that's what sets our lifestyle apart. either way. we had our baby at home. in a big tub (really a feed trough) in our dining room. and we made this decision based on lots of research and feeling out what felt the most right for our family.

there's more decisions to make when having a child. well, often people who give birth at home with midwives are asked the question what you would like to do with the afterbirth. from the get-go i knew, at the very least, we would keep it to place under a tree planted in little bean's honor. but then the more reading i did about home birth the more i learned about the benefits of consuming one's placenta. ingesting one's placenta is said to stem postpartum depression and helps to contract the uterus after birth. wikipedia explains placentophagy (and also explains the controversy behind it as some people refute the health benefits of it). 

don't worry. i did not eat my placenta.

i ran it by jp, my personal chef, and he --quite surprisingly (and that is not sarcastic)-- was not ok with cooking it up or throwing it in a smoothie for me. i was a bit bummed but then our midwives informed us there was another, perhaps more palatable, option. in chinese medicine, the benefits of the placenta for mothers after giving birth have long been understood and respected. so we agreed to xnay the cooking and home preparation of any placenta and decided to have the placenta brought to a chinese herbalist who would dehydrate the placenta, grind it up, and encapsulate it.

voila.

i have taken most of the pills and am saving the remainders for future transition times with ramona that may prove hard on me (teething, when she stops sleeping with us, potty training, first day of school). 

this is my only pregnancy and childbirth so i can't say for sure if the pills made a difference in my recovery and emotional well-being. i will say that i did recover fast and, save for last night when i only got 3 hours of sleep due to a little girl that just wanted to stay up and play, have not felt overly exhausted or worn down. i did have a couple-days stretch that was really hard when i was learning to soothe her through her fussiness. was it the pills that came to my rescue? the impeccable timing of the visits of my midwife and doula? or perhaps the check-ins from my amazing community and supportive family? or that jp is, for the most part, here when i need him to be? these all, as well as not having to recover from any drugs put in my body during labor, are important aspects not to be disregarded as to why i have had such a healthy and energetic three and half weeks since ramona's arrival. but the pills didn't hurt. and if nothing else, the symbolism of returning that life force to my body is beautiful.

and as if that weren't granola enough: the herbalist dried ramona's umbilical cord for us as a keepsake.

i promise i will not take it out to show her first boyfriend. but i may have to pop one of those pills.

apologies, sort of

a denver home companion, at least for a little bit, might as well be renamed something along the lines of "all about ramona" or some variation thereof. for that is all i have to talk about.

yes, for the moment or season or whathaveyou, i have turned into that woman who has nothing else going on except for her baby.

and i think that's just the way it should be.

ramona bean's birth story

below is what i have already written in my baby book for ramona. i've transcribed it here bc to go back and edit and revise would be as exhausting as the labor itself. please excuse any possible incoherence.

ramona bean, you were "due" on july, 11. i swore up and down that you would be earlier than that. that day arrived and still no sign of you. i was bummed bc i was so anxious to meet you! so i went and got a thai massage and the masseuse tried some acupressure. but as any good midwife will tell you (and mine did many times) those natural labor inducers only really work if you are already showing signs of labor. i was not. this was a monday.

but stubborn as i am i continued trying other methods of coaxing you out: papa and i went on long walks every morning, had sex, ate REALLY spicy foods, and drank some wine to relax me. nada. until wednesday when i went out with some girlfriends for dinner and wine and the david gray concert. you loved that concert! you were kicking and dancing and jiving. i really enjoyed that concert too: time out with good friends, soulful music, lots of time with my hand on you in my belly just feeling you groove. after the concert we walked back to the parking garage and--wouldn't ya know it--my water broke in the elevator! it wasn't the gush you see in the movies but a small trickle i couldn't stop. this made all us girls giddy and giggling. i called papa and maren on the drive home. i was to go to bed and maren would be over in the morning -- unless there was more action (contractions) during the middle of the night.

all night i waited for these contractions to start. they didn't and, again, i was bummed. maren came in the morning and confirmed my hindwaters had broken. technically, active labor had to begin within 24 hours of the waters breaking or i was supposed to go to the hospital to get induced. mama and papa did not want this. so we stayed in all day on thursday --except for a walk to happy and a big, huge lunch at hops & pie-- and played with my nipples. sounds silly, i know! but nipple stimulation (and making out) is highly effective at releasing oxytocin and getting those contractions flowing. except for me. there were some contractions heightened by the stipple nimulation (as papa and i started to call it) but they weren't exactly rhythmic or time-able -- signs of labor. i was frustrated.

bc my waters had broken we were still on a time crunch -- even if papa and i had decided to flout one set of guidelines. so thursday night we went to bed knowing that if, in the morning, i still was not having labor contractions, i would be taking castor oil.

so at 5:30 the next morning, a friday, when my contractions were still puny and ineffective, i chugged 1.5 oz of castor oil mixed with Recharge. By 6:15 the contractions had started. they were a lot more intense than the braxton-hicks i'd been experiencing up until then. maren arrived around 7:00 and i took another dose at 7:33. by 8:00, when the contractions were getting a lot harder than i anticipated, i had your papa call pam --a family friend and doula-- to have her come over.

papa was with me entire time. at first my contractions were just bad enough i that had to concentrate during them but could still talk in between them. but by the time maren got back from her walk and pam arrived at the house, i was in labor land and couldn't talk to anyone. bc of the effects of the castor oil, i spent much of my time laboring on the toilet. like a champ, your papa sat right down in front of me (foregoing our married rule of no pooping with the door open) and stayed with me through it all --even though most of it wasn't pleasant! he was so incredible and supportive and quiet and loving and steadfast and just the right amount of concerned. i could not have done it without him and all his words and touches of affirmation.

i was having back labor bc you were posterior, you little stinker. and that hurts a lot. we tried positions during contractions to turn you but you were stubborn (like your mama). i didn't want the tub or the birth stool or the lunge or any other fancy positions. they hurt. i just wanted the toilet or to stand against the wall in the hallway.

it got hard fast and i didn't think i was going to be able to do it. i had no idea how long it was all going to take and that annoyed me. i asked to go to the hospital and i dreamed of how good an epidural might feel. but your papa reminded me what i had wanted for so long for your birth, little bean; how i'd researched and planned and dreamt of your arrival in our home long before you were even conceived in our head. i was not happy and i was really angry at the pain and the process but i knew your papa was right.

they laid me down in bed to try and give me some rest. when i wasn't having rushes it felt marvelous and i searched for seconds of sleep --something i had been able to find in the moments in between rushes on the toilet. but then, lying there, a contraction would come and it was the worst yet. pam lightly rocked me and papa whispered in my ear -- these things helped a little bit but really i just wanted to give up.

finally i bolted upright realizing i needed a change and that's when i felt it: i was transitioning. so i ran to the bathroom sink and puked my guts out. i hadn't thrown up since i was ten-years-old. it felt amazing! and for a moment the rushes eased up. there was just enough time for papa to walk me over to the tub, rest his forehead on mine, gently grab my face and, with tears in his eyes, tell me how proud he was of me. i married the most incredible man.

so i got into the warm tub (set up in our dining room) and, clutching the side, squatting and leaning forward, i worked through rush after rush that was slamming my body. i got about 20 seconds break for every two minutes of intensity. papa sat in front of me and grasped my hands (but not before he found a moment to put on portishead, the only music he had remembered me mentioning i would want to listen to), pam stood over me and rubbed my back (hard!) while reminding me to open up and let go and release. maren checked me and i was 8 cm dilated -- a large and fast change from the previous 4 or 5. the rushes kept coming and eventually i started feeling the sensation to push. maren checked me again and i was 10 cm!

i was so ready to have you out so mama did not mess around. i started pushing and pushing and screaming and grunting and groaning. maren reminded me of the proper technique for breathing and that definitely calmed me down and focused me. i kept pushing and could feel you moving closer, further down. but my position wasn't ideal and maren wanted me to lean back and squat. but it hurt so bad that way! finally they got me where they needed me and i pushed some more and reached down and could feel your head just inside my vagina. a couple more pushes and one primal scream and your head was out! papa was in awe but i didn't even want to look down bc i just wanted to keep focusing on working to get you out. they asked if i wanted to reach down and touch you but, again, i was so intent on getting you out as fast as possible and didn't want to be distracted. ha.

your shoulders were twisted a little so maren, with the help of papa, got me into a sort of runner's lunge position. i pushed one more time and, 8.5 hours after all of this started, i could feel you come right on out. and then WHOOSH you were up out of the water and placed on my chest. but not before i noticed you were a girl, my ramona marilyn.

oh, how i loved holding you! you were white and wrinkly and slimy and mine. your breathing was a little rough so they gave you some quick mouth-to-mouth puffs and put an oxygen mask on your and we waited 30 minutes until whatever was going on in your tiny lungs was worked out by your coughing and crying.

we got out of the tub and the three of us crawled into bed where we held you close and loved on you. i delivered the placenta and, along with papa cutting your umbilical cord, seeing that go was a bit weird. you and i were no longer one and you are officially your own person. and now papa and i get to raise you to continue to be your own person. we fell in love with you so fast and so hard. you are the best.

how to talk to little girls

my sister-in-law, erica --mother to a beautiful and intelligent and precocious young girl-- sent me this article on how to talk to little girls and i really think everyone, especially those with little ladies in their life, should read it.

alterations

at 39 weeks i am to be a bridesmaid in my dear friend's wedding.
today i took the bridesmaid dress in to be altered.
my boobs have so not grown as much as i expected/hoped.
darn.

fresh laundry, fresh eggs

after folding the laundry from the line, i collected some eggs from the ladies.

tuckered out

this is a rare moment, indeed.

jp is in the middle of a lot of stuff. he's working 50-60 hours a week at his full-time job. he's also got me handing him honey-do lists for projects around the house to prepare for little bean. and on top of that he's in the midst of opening up his restaurant (in cahoots with noah, the genius behind crema coffee house) and is usually over there getting his hands dirty with construction projects or writing up menu plans or cooking for some r&d.

i married a hard worker. and a very creative and dedicated soul. and i am so proud of him.

laundry day

monday is laundry day.

for washing clothes we use charlie's soap. it's amazing and seems to work a lot better than any seventh generation or other 'natural' detergent found at target. for extra-dirty rags and jp's cooking clothes i add borax as a booster. (we're considering switching to charlie's laundry booster, which is much gentler).

we hang the wet clothes on the line in the backyard. the sun is great for bleaching the whites and the arid weather we have in colorado dries them in a flash.

my parents sent me a usb port filled with fun goodies from a while ago (remember i mentioned my external went kaput about a year ago).

it's been perfect timing for me to go through these photos and to be reminded of all the fun jp and i had falling in love, getting married, and being newlyweds. as i've mentioned before, i'm a little nervous about the changes that will occur with the addition of little bean. jp is my best friend and now my time will be so divided between him --my absolute favorite person in the world-- and my amazing little jumping bean --who, i can only imagine, i will love with automatic, fiery passion.

i'm certain that all the fun jp and i have together will be even more fun with this bundle to share it with. we're already so proud of and in love with little bean. but sometimes, when i'm taking a leisurely nap, or staying up late to wait up for jp, or putzing on blogs, or reading a book, or running around doing whatever the hell i want to do, i am reminded, by the dance party going on in my belly, that my time will not always be my time. and my time with jp will not always be our time. and i'm mostly ok with that. so i just remind myself to cherish these last solo moments with jp a little more. and to sleep in. and to nap whenever i darn well please. and to always wait up for him.

happy birthday

my mother describes my birth as quick, easy and oh-so nice. that's because the windows were open on a fine spring day and she could hear the birds chirping my arrival.

i was a bitty one. that might be because for the first handful of weeks of my life in utero i shared my mother's womb with a twin. after my mother lost one of us in the late first trimester, she stayed in bed for weeks with the confidence that i would survive and thrive (though doctors told her different). i praise God for her stubbornness. well, most of the time.

this is me at one.

today i turn 26 years old.

here's to another year. and the anticipation of giving forth life of my own.

and to presents. may there always be presents.

osama bin laden is dead and people are celebrating like mad men in the streets.

‎"The sacrifice to end sacrifices was made by God through the sacrifice of his son, and the ending of sacrifice means that we don't continue to sacrifice other people to make the world come out all right. Justice has been done. We've been given all the time in the world to announce that God would not have God's kingdom wrought through violence. That's good news. It's hard news, but it's good news." - Stanley Hauerwaus

quote found here via my thoughtful friend, garret.

getting our hands dirty

this year jp and i bought our grab-bag tin of seeds from baker creek. we've never planned our harvest so far in advance and were giddy to begin. after we organized the seeds, made a planting chart, and gathered all the appropriate tools, jp and i headed out on a shady tuesday afternoon to the gardens to sow some seeds. jp and i were astounded by how unique many of the seeds look. we've never had such a variety in our possession so we were squealing with delight over how exotic seeds from simple veggies can look.

we use square foot gardening to plan our plantings and we've found that it really makes weeding quite easy. additionally, it makes the most use of small space and seems to increase the bounty. last year we didn't plant too much: some tomatoes, squashes, greens (most bolted), cabbage (which failed us), zucchini (was coming out of our ears) and some other miscellaneous green goodies. this year, there's a whole lot more variety and we're using discarded crib sides we found in the alley to train our pea and bean vines. we're quite proud of our head start.

we use planting mix that we get from the local landscape supply store and we supplement that with nutrient-rich soil from our chicken pen (which is our compost bin). thank you, ladies.

can't wait to see what bounty we get!

living for someone

some big things are happening in our life right now and the lyrics of this song, by Ivan & Alyosha, perfectly encapsulate these changes.

Living for Someone

by Ivan & Alyosha

The world is breaking down
But we are marching forward
My friends are breaking ground
And loving one another
We were not living for ourselves
But we were living for someone else

I might just quit my job
And sell my fine possessions
Expecting our first child
Amid the Great Recession
We count less than you it's true
It was the spirit of the age
Ain't it funny how nothing really ever changes

Now draw the line between
What you want and what you need
Now tell me what you see
Turn your blessings into what it couldn't be
You were not living for yourself
But you were living for something else

And so you limit your own mind
You never were the dreamin' kind
Cause someone told you 'No' when you were young
You never find the things you want

lyrics found via a google search that led JP here.

a quote

we fall in love, we drink hard, we run to and fro upon the earth like frightened sheep. And now you are to ask yourself if, when all is done, you would not have been better to sit by the fire at home, and be happy thinking.

--robert louis stevenson

somedays, robert, yes. and other times: most definitely not.